Secure or Insecure? Why it matters.

We all have an unconscious cycle of self-protection that kicks in whenever we feel stressed or threatened. And until we see it, we're trapped by it. Most people don’t know what makes them feel secure, but they know what doesn’t. Knowing whether we are secure or insecure in our attachment style matters because it can either negatively or positively affect how we relate and connect to others.

Here's how protection patterns work:

When we feel stressed, threatened, or vulnerable, we instinctively move into protective mode; these patterns "protect" us from our deepest fears:

• Fear of abandonment

• Fear of engulfment

• Fear of rejection

• Fear of not being enough

  
  

But here's the tragic irony: The very patterns we use to protect ourselves end up creating the disconnection we fear most.

Identifying Your Protection Pattern- Reflect on these questions:

1. When you feel stressed or threatened, what's your go-to response?

• Do you pursue and cling?

• Do you withdraw and disconnect?

• Do you fluctuate between both?

  
  

2. What are you most afraid will happen if you don't protect yourself this way?

3. How is this pattern creating the very thing you're trying to avoid?

Here's the hope: These patterns aren't your identity. They're learned responses that can be unlearned. The path forward isn't about trying harder, it's about understanding your patterns and choosing differently.

The Security We're All Seeking

Decades of research have identified what secure attachment actually produces in a person's life.

Emotional Resilience:

• Emotional balance (feelings match the situation)

• Hope for the future

• Sense of meaning and purpose

• Confidence in handling problems

• Ability to bounce back from adversity (resilient)

• Managing distress effectively

Self-Perception:

• Sense of value

• Feeling loveable

• Feeling cherished by important people

• Believing you can positively impact the lives of others

• Confident in your abilities

• Recognizing and valuing your unique qualities.

Interpersonal Relationships:

• Ability to be vulnerable with important people

• Express needs clearly

• Comfortable asking for help from others

• Able to understand others' mental states

• Enjoy and value emotional intimacy

• Accept mutual dependence with ease

Emotional Awareness:

• Understanding that emotions can lead to positive outcomes.

• Able to recognize and name different emotions

• Use reflection to find comfort in times of distress

• Understanding the reasons behind feelings in different situations

• Effectively express emotions

• Using emotions to enhance creativity

Narrative Coherence:

• Sharing a clear, engaging life story

• Able to recognize how painful experiences have affected you

• Finding meaning in difficult experiences

• Making peace with the reality of adversity

• Seek to understand why people have hurt you

• Capacity for forgiveness

  
  
  
  

The Assessment That Changes Everything:

Reflecting on the descriptions above for each area, rate yourself 1-10 in each domain: (10  – being the most secure or confident, and 1 – being the least)

• Emotional resilience                _____

• Positive self-perception         _____

• Comfort in relationships        _____

• Emotional awareness              _____

• Narrative coherence                _____

  
  

Now, identify:

Where are you strongest? Where would you like to see growth?

(People with secure attachment tendencies don’t necessarily score perfect 10s everywhere. But they will score 7-8s

consistently across all domains.)

What Actually Activates Security

• A specific memory of being understood

• A place where they felt completely safe

• A person who believes in them unconditionally

• A spiritual practice that grounds them

• A moment when someone stayed present with their pain

  
  

Notice: Secure attachments can be developed by relational experiences – with other humans or with God. If someone's attachment system is wired for insecurity, accessing relational connections can be incredibly challenging, regardless of how much they want it or try; it's like telling someone with a broken leg to run faster; they might be moving, but they're in pain and their leg isn't healing.

The path forward isn't about trying harder. It's about understanding your patterns and choosing differently.

Click here to access the mini-course that will help you identify your attachment style and offer steps to begin developing a more secure attachment style that can help enhance the different relationships in your life.

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